The more you know…

3 scientific, 100% true facts about Japanese language that I don’t even need to Google because everyone who isn’t an especially slow specimen of mouldy pudding knows them from birth:

1. Invented in 1342 by accident during an ill-fated attempt by a man named Jeremiah Mew to teach pandas human speech.
2. Includes at least 17 alphabets that we know of (research is ongoing), at least two of which cannot be pronounced or indeed mentally comprehended by humans in any way. Current hypothesis is that some ancient, eldritch beings are manipulating us into summoning them, which is why they picked a language that hoard alphabets like crazy cat ladies hoard horrible stench.
3. The main reason why Asians have narrow eyes is due to trying to read the Chinese hieroglyphs. This it has common with the Chinese language, which:

1. Was invented around the same time in exactly the same manner, except by a man called Bartleby Dong, and included written word because Bartleby was a lot more ambitious in his animal education. They later gave the writing to Japanese as a way to make their eyes narrower to match theirs, because they were lonely.
2. Has no names for birds because China’s national religion (Islam) does not believe in them and wouldn’t approve if it did.
3. A Chinese man once figured out the secret eternal life and happiness and tried to tell people, but some foreigner buffoons mistook him for Japanese, naturally leading to his immediate suicide in the traditional Chinese way involving overcooked rice, an old goat and a couple of bamboo leaves folded in the shape of a turtle.